Chapter 13

From that first moment I held my baby in my arms in his new room, I had no idea that Pumell would act how he has been with him.  Throughout having the baby, I've been doing everything for him.  Yes, everything.  I got up in the middle of the night to feed him, to change him, to hold and love him.  I did it all.  You may think Pumell is being a bad dad for that, and I would agree with you.  He's been nicer than ever to me-when I'm not with Ross.  But he does other chores-I have Ross, and he has everything else, which I'm grateful for.  In the pit of my stomach, I know he's more than nervous of being a father-and it doesn't seem that he even dislikes him.  He gets uneasy when I mention the baby-he doesn't scoff and looks like he hates him.  I've been trying to figure out his deal, but I haven't felt comfortable asking.

I complain to giggler all the time, bless her.

brightbabe62: Giggler!  I am so exhausted.  Ross is so much work!

giggler920: Is Pumell still not helping you?

brightbabe62: No, but I'm letting it slide.  I guess.  I do the baby, he does everything else.  I don't know what to think anymore, giggler..

giggler920:  Oh, it'll be fine BB.

I stared at giggler's last words- 'oh, it'll be fine BB.'  Somehow, that is hard to believe.  I feel like my world how I know it is in flames just like in the painting.  I am the deer, and I can't stop any of it from happening.  I am powerless.

Oftentimes, I had to get up in the middle of the night to feed Ross or change his diaper.  The baby monitor seemed to go off non-stop some nights!  It was hard to get a good night sleep, and I was tired.  Yes, I'm only twenty years old, and I'm so tired all of the time.

But this particular day, I woke up to the baby monitor, but when I woke up, I heard my earpiece quietly beeping in my ear.

Oh my llama-who could that be?

Pumell and Ross are the only ones I talk to-no one else has my ID.  Or-

"Hey Jezzie, this is Harah."

I sucked in a deep breath.  This whole time I haven't called Harah once-I have not been interested in talking to her.  That's part of it-but I didn't want to admit that Pumell got me pregnant.  She was made about me doing this from the start-telling her he got me pregnant-and before marriage-would make her go berserk. 

"Um...hi, Harah..."

"What have you been up to lately?"

"Um...stuff."

"Mmm-hmm.  Do you want to see your old mom, or do you want me to quite bothering you?"

I snickered at her inside.  Yeah, Harah is just so old.  It's almost as if she hasn't aged at all since she's been my guardian.  And this is why I don't want to see her anymore-the implications are impossible, as is the rest of my life.

So instead of answering her-even to agree with her last statement, I hung up.  Yes, Harah, leave me alone.  You were an...erm...'fine' guardian but I am twenty years old now!  I don't ever want to see you again.

After having that uncomfortable conversation with Harah, I went down to the second floor to attend to Ross.  I cuddled and rocked him, and went to get him his bottle-but for some reason, my natural instinct was to just keep him in his crib while I got his bottle.  I went back upstairs and gave it to him, and I held him close some more.  I was so tired that my eyes were doing a number on me-I kept looking up, thinking:

Oh dear llama, please make my life easier.  Ross is just so much to handle alone.

I sighed, and held him down to look at his little face.  I sang a little song to him and he smiled.  I beamed at him.  This is why it's all worth it-just seeing his smiling, chubby face. 

One day I was holding Ross, and I decided to bring him down for his bottle next time.  I was laughing to myself-wondering why I never brought him downstairs for his bottle before!  But as I started to walk to the staircase, Pumell was blocking my way.

"What's the deal, Pumell?  I'm taking Ross down for his bottle."

"No, you're not."

I raised my eyebrows in confusion.  "But Pumell-Ross needs to eat."

"Not down there he doesn't."

"What's your deal, Pumell?  Why can't he come downstairs?"

"Just trust me on this.  Put him back in his crib, then get him his bottle."

I froze in place wishing to resist him, but I knew it would be no use.  I went into his room and gently lay him on his crib, and headed downstairs.

So I went dowstairs, and before getting his bottle I decided to sit in my usual chair while Pumell made breakfast.  Ross can wait.

"Pumell-what's your deal with Ross?"

He stopped measuring ingredients for a minute, and leaned over and put his finger on my mouth.

"I don't want to talk about Ross right now.  Can you do that for me?  Please."

I nodded, defeated.  There was no point trying to resist- "thank you, Jezabelle that means a lot."

Then he started to show off with his mad cooking skills like he always does, as if Ross wasn't mentioned at all.

"Ah-check that out.  I measured the milk just right on the first try."

I fake clapped for him as always. "Bow down to the master chef, Pumell."

He then bowed to the fake crowd.

After breakfast, I got a bottle from the fridge and trotted upstairs.  I looked at the label, and I was confused-it was of a brand that I've never heard before.  But, I guess I wouldn't know.  How could I?  It's not like I bought any of Ross' things, I helped pick them out at some strange places, but they didn't seem like store stores.  Pumell buys everything for Ross, it's like the one thing he does for him.

I went upstairs to feed Ross his bottle, and he drank vigorously.  I didn't have to coax him to drink it all this time.  After he was done drinking it, I set the bottle on his changing table, and I looked deep into his gleaming eyes.  I made up what he was thinking. Do you want to get out of this stuffy little room and go somewhere?  I know you do.

I started out the door, and took a deep breath.  Ross has kept me so busy that I haven't even thought of leaving the house at all.  Pumell gives me everything Ross and I need-it didn't seem important.  But now, I'd love to get some fresh air with my little Ross.

I walked out of the door, and suddenly Pumell was standing in front of the staircase again, even though he was occupied doing cleaning of some sort when I went upstairs to feed Ross.  But this time I wasn't going to let him stop me so easily.

"Pumell, I am taking Ross outside!  We're going to go somewhere-anywhere-I don't know.  Just anywhere.  Babies need fresh air, and so do I."

Pumell stood his ground, and I walked closer to him.

All of a sudden, he started yelling at me, "why can't you just trust me, Jezabelle?!  You can't go anywhere outside-not with Ross.  You just can't.  I can't let anything happen."

His words became softer through each sentence..."Why do you seem so nervous about anything to do with Ross?  You know what-you're just so over protective of him.  Oh, heck-you're like a silent abuser or something.  You don't care about Ross, do you?!  You don't even care about me."

Pumell looked at the floor.  "No, it's not what you think.  It's not Ross exactly....but what he is to us on the moon. And don't say that I don't love you-I love you dearly!"

"What are you saying?"

"I never hoped it would get to this."

"Pumell-tell me what the fuck you're talking about already."  I gasped inwards at my choice of words-I never swear.

"Jezabelle-babies are forbidden here.  They are sure to get him and kill him if they ever see.  If you brought him even to the first floor-I can't guarantee his safety."

I started to breath irregualarily, not trying to even understand Pumell's implications.  Instead of taking it all in at once, I decided to only contemplate part of the problem.

"What do you mean?  How could they know if I just bring Ross downstairs?"

"Look out the window."

I looked out the window-and I saw a subway that I don't remember seeing before.  I rubbed my eyes and beheld the scene before me once more.  How could I have missed that?

"It's just a subway, Pumell-who could possibly be coming over here to steal my baby away?  And why?"

Pumell was frowning, but his mouth was quivering.  He was trying not to frown so much, but he couldn't change his expression.

"It's not just the subway, Jezabelle.  There are unseen 'eyes' out there-nothing that we can do about them.  Permanently."

"Pumell-what are you talking about?  Can't we find them and destroy them?"

He shook his head.  "That would be no use.  That would just draw attention to us-and we'd get some unwanted vistors within an hour.  No-we can't do that.  And if you were to bring the baby downstairs, these 'eyes' would see right through our windows to him-and take Ross away from us.  We don't want that."

It was starting to sink in.  "So-it's not that you're nervous of being a father and not that you don't love Ross.  You only fear for his safety-and it's just too much to bear."

"That's right.  I could learn to love Ross-but it's such a taboo to have a baby that it's just hard for me."

"How come you knew all of this and I didn't.  I had no idea having babies were a taboo-"

"I wish I could tell you why.  But I just can't."

This information was doing a number in my head, my very state of being.  I felt like sitting down...

So this is why there were so few people younger than me-the youngest being like thirteen.  And how there were so little kids my age-not that makes sense.  But why would these people not want babies?  What damage can they do?  What about stabilizing the population-

Then an answer popped up in my head.  This is just the moon, maybe they get deformities or something?

But then I thought of Ross, and though he is young, I doubt he has any deformities. Oh great, that can't be, there has to be something I don't know.  Earth sends people here all the time to replace our population-they don't need moon residents to have babies of their own-but it doesn't make any sense....

"Why, Pumell?  Why?  Why to everything?  My whole life is full of these impossible mysteries."

A tear slid down his cheek, and I heard the answer that I always did.  "I wish I could tell you, Jezabelle, but I just can't."

All of a sudden, I found myself screaming, "and why not, Pumell!  Huh?  Why?  There are more mysterious things in my life than a girl should have to handle!  All I want is some answers!  What would happen to you if you told me?  I mean, it's not like anyone would know."

Pumell was shaking, and I felt bad for yelling at him.

"I'm sorry-Pumell-it's just..."

Instead of making me continue, he pulled me in for a nice, gentle hug.

"I'm sorry I have to do this to you, Jezabelle.  Really, I am.  I have been so tense with Ross here.  I have to tell you something that you're not going to want to hear."

My slight smile was fading, and I stayed silent.

"It's either me or Ross."

I scowled, and whispered in his ear, slowly, carefully, "what are you talking about, Pumell?"

"I just can't bare having Ross here anymore.  I feel like I will get in trouble if he's here anymore.  You know I love you so much Jezabelle, and I would love Ross if I were allowed to love him-but it's just not going to be possible.  I can't keep living life this way."

Pumell-what are you talking about?  How could you make me choose between my baby and my wonderful boyfriend?  This is too much.  How can you not be allowed to love him, what is that supposed to mean?

I tried to suppress tears but a few came down anyway, though I refused to sob.

Pumell slowly pulled away from me and held my face in his hands and wiped my tears away.

"I'm so sorry it has to be this way, Jezabelle.  If you choose me-I assure you with one hundred percent certainty that when we turn Ross in, he will experience no pain when he dies."

This time, I did start to sob.

Pumell looked at the wall. "I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore."

After a long time of letting Pumell hold me, I forced my feet to go into Ross's room, and I scooped him up and packed my bags.  I brought Ross downstairs and outside-Pumell let me.  He watched me leave the house.  I wasn't sure what I was doing at all-heck, I'm crazy.  I'm leaving the best boyfriend I ever had for Ross!  But there's no way I could ever let anyone kill Ross-even if it would be painless.  I just can't.  

I looked back.  "Pumell-why can't you come with me?"

He shook his head.  "If only you would understand what I've gone through-what I am.  Then you would do the same thing, no matter what, even if it hurts.  And it does so much."

I frowned, and looked at Ross.  Now, I'm your protector.  I don't know where we'll go-but we have to go somewhere.  If we stay here any longer-than people will find you and kill you.  I just can't let that happen to my baby...

Pumell came toward me, and forced a smile on his face.

"I would do anything to come with you, Jezabelle."

"Then come!" I was desperate.

"That is just not possible.  Believe me, Jezabelle.  If there was even the smallest spark of hope that I could come, then I assure you, I would.  I just am not allowed-"

Oh great, I finally realized something.  Harah had some peculiarities, and so does Pumell!  He feels a sense of obligation for some unknown thing-slightly different to Harah, yet still it feels the same.

My head started spinning, but instead of thinking about Harah or Pumell, I started to think about what I was going to do.

First-I guess I'll just have to take a walk...What am I going to do?  Ross, I am trying.  I am trying.

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I know it's really sad, and you'll be surprised to know why all of this is happening-you'll learn.  Later.  The rest of this story will be so different, that I consider this to be the end of part one.  Enjoy contemplating everything: why.